7 years ago I stood in a hotel room looking in the mirror thinking you’re fat, you’re disgusting, you’re worthless. I wondered what’s the point? Who would actually care if I were dead? I don’t think I was was seriously considering suicide but I did think about how I would do it. What would be the easiest way that didn’t traumatise someone else in the process? It wasn’t my desire to live but rather the thought of harming anyone else in the process that stopped me. Thinking about my family and my mum and how much it would devastate them and how my mum would never forgive herself were what brought me out of it.
I thought I was worthless and disgusting. My yoga practice was stoking the fire and making me me deal with many issues from my past. A few weeks earlier I had been taken out of a yoga class in an ambulance after re-injuring my neck. The pain and memories from my car accident sent me into a tailspin.
I didn’t know how to handle it and I didn’t really have anyone I could turn to for help. IM not going to pretend it was easy going through it. It was hell! But it was also exactly what I needed.
Why am I telling you this? Why now? Honestly I’m not sure why now? Its something I’ve thought about sharing for a long time. 3 years ago whilst on retreat I was forced to stop and confront the emotions around that dark time in my life. I even wrote a blog 2yrs ago which mentioned it but it just didn’t feel right. For some reason feel compelled to share this now and I’ve learnt to trust my intuition in these situations.
For the first time in my life, both professionally and personally, I feel like things are starting to fall into place. IM going from strength to strength, all the hard work is paying off. Weekends like the one I’ve just had, running a teacher training, make me realise why I’m here.
My struggles, though challenging, have also empowered me. Only through my struggles did I come to realise my true strength.
We all go through various struggles in our lives that at times can feel overwhelming and the desire to give up is so strong. We need to remember that like the lotus flower the struggle is just part of the process. Rooted in the mud of avidya we can feel stuck. But like the lotus flower rising through the water we to can rise above and realise our full potential.
The thought of not being here to experience the joy and peace I am right now makes me realise how far I’ve come. I wanted to share my story in the hope that someone else who may be struggling can understand that nothing last forever things to get better. You just have to believe. It doesn’t mean it will be easy but it will always be worth it.